We often hear women say they want a man “to spoil” them on Valentine’s Day, or indeed on other occasions. After the event they might say they “feel spoiled.” Many women expect that spoiling experience so much that they will complain with an air of aggrieved entitlement if it doesn’t eventuate.
What exactly does this term mean, and where did it originate?
The word spoiled was derived from the Latin and Old French verb spoil, which meant “to strip, rob, plunder, or pillage.” The term was also used to describe something that was “destroyed, ruined, damaged so as to render useless.” The word was first applied as a metaphor, in the year 1640, to children or to women who were “over-indulged, injured in character by excessive lenience,” and carried the additional meaning of “to become tainted or unsavory, go bad, and lose freshness” – in other words a reference to something that has gone rotten, like a piece of stinking fish or old fruit.
The metaphor of spoiling later became synonymous with pampering women in the context of romantic relationships, where a man would treat a woman like a queen or a princess and indulge her with chivalric deference and love service. The implication here is that spoiling is synonymous with the spoiler going too far on behalf of spoilee, to the degree that it creates character damage.
A Google search for mentions of spoiling someone on Valentine’s Day returned the following results:
“Spoiled her” – 409, 000 results
“Spoiled him” – 24, 000 results
That’s a differential of 17:1 in favor of women being recipients of the spoiling experience. If we take spoiling a partner on Valentine’s Day or any other occasion as a measure of narcissistic entitlement, then it appears women are doing very well despite the negative implications for character development.
To finish I will leave you with the following comments about what Valentine’s Day means for men, or rather what it apparently should mean for men according to advice columnist and relationship expert Brooke Miller who insists on the spoiling treatment for women. She writes:
First lesson: Valentine’s Day matters. This really isn’t debatable my darlings, just trust me on this one. Second lesson: Valentine’s Day matters because… Because it’s not really about Valentine’s Day…it’s a metaphor. Valentine’s Day is a metaphor for every other moment throughout the entire duration of your relationship when the woman in your life needs and wants and hopes you are able to joyfully and proudly step out of your way, and make it about her.
Valentine’s Day is a holiday decorated with girly-pink-sparkly-chocolate-flowery-hearts…and and and. February 14th could not be less stereotypically masculine if it tried. Although this holiday may not be about you, it is in fact, for you. It gifts you the opportunity to demonstrate the kind of guy you can be when put in a situation that is not about you. It shows that beautiful human being you’re lucky to be with that you, you amazing man, are able to show up selflessly to any occasion.
Valentine’s Day gives your crush or girlfriend or fiancé or wife, either a taste or a reminder (women love being reminded) of your ability to care about things not because you care about them, but because you care about her… and she cares about things. Get it?
Women know very well that Valentine’s Day doesn’t particularly matter to you, but making it matter to you, simply and solely for her… now that’s a guy worth being with. An acknowledgment of the day, a card, flowers, or even a romantic gift like a massage or spa treatment (hint hint) shows your capacity to put yourself aside even if she doesn’t ask you to–especially if she doesn’t ask you to… and put her first.1
After reading Brooke’s advice, I hope we better appreciate the meaning of this little phrase to spoil, and its social consequences. Our ability to cultivate healthy, reciprocal relationships indicates that this particular practice needs to be nipped in the bud before it descends into unsalvageable narcissism.
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[1] Brooke on Boys: Why Valentine’s Day Matters, Primer Magazine: A Guy’s Post-College Guide to Growing Up.