Romantic love, which evolved from the ideals of medieval courtly love, gradually replaced traditional marriage customs in 19th-century England and America. From there it spread eventually to most of the world. The modern practice of ‘dating’ is a direct descendant of this tradition, as illustrated in the comparisons below.

Shared Practices and Beliefs in Courtly Love, Romantic Love, and Dating

• Idealization of the Beloved

  • Shared Practice: Lovers are encouraged to place the other on a pedestal—especially the woman, who was often idealized as perfect or uniquely special, embodying unreachable beauty or virtue.

  • Negative Outcome: Leads to unrealistic expectations, disappointment, and emotional dependence.

• Love as a Struggle or Trial

  • Shared Practice: Love is something to be won, often involving suffering, sacrifice, or elaborate performances.

  • Negative Outcome: Encourages self-destructive patterns, toxic persistence (e.g., chasing someone who’s not interested), or emotional games.

• Emphasis on Secrecy and Intrigue

  • Courtly Love: Often adulterous or secretive due to social constraints.

  • Dating: Modern equivalents include hiding relationships, playing “hard to get,” or managing multiple dating “options” covertly.

  • Negative Outcome: Encourages dishonesty, emotional instability, and distrust.

• Emotional Drama and Intensity as Proof of Authenticity

  • Shared Practice: Passion, jealousy, and even despair are treated as signs of true love.

  • Negative Outcome: Normalizes volatility and codependency; can foster manipulative or abusive dynamics.

• Romantic Love as a Life Goal or Personal Fulfillment

  • Shared Belief: Love is central to identity and fulfillment (then and now).

  • Negative Outcome: People may tie self-worth to romantic status; leads to despair if romance is absent or relationships fail.

• Reductive Gendered Roles and Ritualized Pursuit

  • Courtly Love: Men pursue; women are the gatekeepers.

  • Dating: This still persists—men often initiate, plan, pay, etc.

  • Negative Outcome: Reinforces outdated gender scripts, power imbalances, and societal pressure on both sexes to perform roles instead of relating authentically.

• Performative Acts to “Earn” Affection

  • Shared Practice: Gifts, poetry, displays of chivalry or wealth used to impress the beloved.

  • Modern Equivalent: Grand gestures, curated dating profiles, expensive outings.

  • Negative Outcome: Relationships become transactional or based on surface-level traits rather than emotional substance.

• Obsession with the “Chase”

  • Courtly Tradition: Desire thrives on distance and delay.

  • Dating: “The thrill of the chase” still dominates early-stage relationships.

  • Negative Outcome: People lose interest once commitment begins; breeds instability or ghosting.

• Unattainable or Idealized Love Object

  • Courtly Love: The lady is often married or socially inaccessible.

  • Dating: Desire may be directed toward emotionally unavailable or disinterested partners.

  • Negative Outcome: Patterns of chasing the unavailable can lead to repeated emotional harm.

• Suffering is Romanticized

  • Shared Idea: Emotional pain or longing heightens the beauty of love.

  • Negative Outcome: Can justify staying in unhealthy or one-sided relationships.

• Public Performance of Love

  • Courtly Love: Love was often expressed in public poetry or tournaments.

  • Dating: Love is broadcast via social media (Instagram relationships, #CoupleGoals).

  • Negative Outcome: Creates pressure to appear in love rather than actually be connected; leads to comparison, anxiety, or jealousy.

• Status-Seeking Through Romantic Conquest

  • Courtly Love: A knight’s value was partly judged by his lady and courtship prowess.

  • Dating: Social status may be enhanced by having an attractive or high-status partner.

  • Negative Outcome: Dehumanizes partners, fosters superficiality and insecurity.

• Love as a Moral or Spiritual Elevation

  • Courtly Love: Loving nobly was believed to refine the soul.

  • Dating/Romantic Love: The belief that “the right person will fix me or make me whole.”

  • Negative Outcome: Co-dependency, avoidance of self-responsibility, magical thinking.

• Temporary or Transitional Nature of Desire

  • Courtly Love: Often existed outside marriage and was not expected to last.

  • Dating: Many relationships are short-lived or “for the experience.”

  • Negative Outcome: Leads to emotional burnout, cynicism, and reduced capacity for trust or long-term commitment.

 

 

*Bullet points by Chat GPT.